I've had a brilliant idea.
I've been rereading my old diaries the past couple weeks and they're hilarious. Because I'm incredibly stupid. And dramatic. And I suffer from the plague of a mind gone mad in trying to see the future. And then I thought, if I am reading this and crying laughing, surely someone else will think it's kind of funny. And so I've decided to let you guys have a look in.
Take a look into 19-20 year old Ashton's mind. She's irrational, over-analytical, and very very sad. Her parents are split up but not divorced. Her stress level is making her sick. She throws up most mornings because there is so much acid in her system. Sometimes there's blood in there so the doctors are running all sorts of tests. Turns out it's just acid reflux. But she doesn't know it yet. Her sister is very sick too. Later, they would find out she has Systemic Rheumatoid Arthritis but it took a very long time for them to figure out what was wrong. She works a lot.
{I have copied this directly from my journal completely unedited. Words written in red are my commentary}
October 7, 2011 1:10 AM
I got asked out on a date tonight.
A date.
A real date.
A formal proposal.
Like the big kids do.
And I said yes.
And now I can't sleep.
It all started Wednesday night when I came home from work to find Stormye {my roommate} and her friend Casey waiting for me to watch one of me and Stormye's favorite shows, Revenge. I couldn't help but notice Casey glancing over at me quite a bit as soon as I entered the room. He asked me all sorts of questions about myself, but nothing too personal. From the way we sprung into conversation, you would have thought we had planned our encounter ahead of time, instead of him coming to actually see Stormye, and me just so happening to be her roommate. At some point, YL was brought up and we talked about how I got involved and how he would go about getting involved if he chose to. We then talked about how he was thinking of interning for a summer at one of the camps. Ummm what? Yea, crazy. So I then of course have to brag about the fact that I pretty much already have my spot as a kitchen intern {even though I totally didn't!} and went on and on about my amazing experience over the summer {being on Summer Staff at Crooked Creek}. Anywho, we really didn't end up paying very close attention to Revenge between us talking and Stormye playing fantasy draft hockey. He left around midnight and gave me a side hug and said he hoped to see me again. 45 minutes later, he requested to be my friend on FB which I giggled about. I had a really relaxing day today. slept in until 830, showered and went to school. Sat through chapel and had lunch with Kate and Phil (new guy leader) at the Taco Joint and then had NTS {New Testament Survey} at noon-230. Once I left school, I stopped and picked up a few things from Aldi's for dinner. I started to rewatch Revenge when Alex {my cousin} knocked on the door. He did homework and I made us dinner until he had to go up to the school for his football game. (He had to take his dinner to go) Then, I went to watch his game at 6 after doing a sink full of dishes with Stormye. Love her. I was going to stay through the JV game but felt awkward when no kids were there that I knew so I left soon after it started {YL leader fail}. No one even noticed.
When I got home, I talked with Kristin {another of my roommates} for a while while she made herself dinner and I made a snack since I'd had my dinner so early. We were starting to watch Revenge (for the THIRD time) when Stormye walked in and asked if she could give my # to a certain friend her hers who wanted to ask me on a date. Yep. I'm pretty sure my eyes popped out of my head from surprise. After I pause from my shock, a peep of a "yes" exited my lips and then my heart exploded. I almost regretted it immediately when Stormye started reading me the conversation they were having about when he should ask me, when I would be free to go on a date, what we would do on on such date (she didn't actually tell me that part) etc. Because once I said yes, it was really going to happen. He was really going to ask me. I would of course say yes. Because who actually asks people on dates anymore?And that would mean putting myself in a situation that has potential to actually turn into a relationship and that scares the crap out of me. Literally. I pooped 3 times before he called 45 minutes later {BAHAHAHAHAHA}. (Sorry for the TMI, reader). You're thinking, "Why would that scare you?" Because I don't know if I could handle it if I actually end up liking him and then he ends up deciding he doesn't like me. I don't know if I can handle anything else going wrong. And the poor guy doesn't even know what he's getting into. Surely, I'll have to tell him if this thing takes even the slightest turn towards something serious. So this next part is to you, Casey. If you really start thinking of seriously pursuing me, you should know: I am going through the hardest season of my life thus far and it's full of pain. My sister is really sick. I am too. I found out just less than 2 months ago that my picture perfect home I grew up in is officially split in two and my dad has a mistress he's in love with and I don't know what the heck to do about that. My mom is a basket case now a days. I am used goods with newly found trust issues and confidence issues. I am a ridiculously busy person trying to balance all of this. You will have to fight me tooth and nail if you really want to get involved with this mess through pursuing a relationship with me and for your sake, I almost wish you wouldn't. At the same time, I can't help but hope that you do. {Spoiler alert: I never actually delivered this oh-so-eloquent speech}
It's a crazy battle in my head right now between what I want and what I'm afraid to want. I need to pray. I need to offer this up.
Final time: 2:13 AM
SO DRAMATIC. Kinda sad. Mostly just really dramatic. And long-winded.
Stay tuned for next week's #freakoutfriday
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